Zetsu's diary
by MistyxKisame
Summary: The akatsuki finds out Zetsu's and each others dirty little secrets. What could go wrong? EVERYTHING of course! Cracking pairings ahead. Please read and review! Requests welcome.
1. Zetsu's diary

"Sasori-danna!" Deidara ran into the bedroom he shared with the puppet master, only to seriously faceplant right into the floor. "Look what I found, un!"

"What is it now, brat?" Sasori quickly covered his new puppet when Deidara came in He couldn't risk his newest creation getting blow up…AGAIN.

"LOOK, UN!" Deidara got up and handed it to the puppet. Sasori rolled his eyes and grabbed it. His eyes widened. "Deidara… where did you get this from?"

"Well I was in the kitchen and saw that in the refrigerator!" Deidara said cheerfully. "Read the first page, yeah!"

"And get killed?!" Sasori threw the book at the bomber. "I like being alive thank you very much and I don't plan to meet my end at the hands of some plant thing!"

"Fine then!" Deidara picked up the book and stuck his tongue out at the puppet master. "I'll see if Kisame-sama wants to read it with me!"

With that being said the blonde ran out of the room.

Kisame was sitting in his room cleaning his precious sword when Deidara burst into the room and tackled him.

"Kisame-sama! LOOK! LOOK!" Deidara started hitting him with the oh so important book that we don't yet know the name of.

"What? What?" Kisame gasped after getting over Deidara jumping on him.

"Look at what I have!"

"What is that?" Kisame looked at the book.

"It's Zetsu's book!" Deidara grinned.

"It looks like a diary…" the shark man thought for a moment "Where did you get this?"

"From the fridge!" the blonde smiled. "Zetsu must have hid it there."

"Hm…" Kisame pushed Deidara off of him, shut the door, locked it, pulled the bomber into the bathroom, and locked the door. "So…does anyone else know that you have it?"

"Nobody except Sasori-danna and you!"

"Good. Now let's crack this thing open before Zetsu comes back from his spy mission in Konoha, hm?"

"Yes!" Deidara opened it. "I've always wondered what ever went inside of that brain of his…"

**_Dear Diary: Today Konan gave this stupid thing to me for my birthday. What cheap whore! At least she gave me something I can use! Tobi gave me a piece of purple string (cheap ass fucking whore faggot nugget!), Sasori gave me poison (Shall I slip it into his puppets and kill him myself? Nah…), Kakuzu-kun gave me a hug (Actually I used that poison Sasori gave me to do it, but neither the less, he did it! Damn! Kakuzu-kun is so fucking sexy!)_**

Deidara and Kisame looked away in horror after seeing completely naked pictures of Kakuzu in various positions. The pictures looked as if the miser hadn't even known the picture taker was there…he probably didn't.

"Oh dear god above!" Kisame coughed. "Was…was that?"

"Yes…yes it was…"

**_Anyway…Deidara gave me a stupid ass ball of fucking clay. I ought to have shoved it up his girly ass, but he would have liked it! _**(Deidara: The nerve his gay ass has!) **_Itachi gave me a book. Stupid smart hillbilly red neck…Kisame's gift had to be the nicest ever! He gave me Kakuzu's laundry! _**

"No I didn't…oh wait…yes I did!"

**_FLASH BACK_**

**_On Zetsu's bithday, he was about to go on a mission when Hidan came out of nowhere with a basket full of clothes._**

**_"Hey fish fuck!" Hidan just out of his hiding place. "Get this and take it back to my room before…"_**

**_"HIDAN! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"_**

**_"Shit!" Hidan tossed it to him and ran out with Kakuzu coming after him thirty seconds later, nearly knocking over Kisame. The shark man's eyes burned painfully as soon as he saw Kakuzu's ass._**

**_Kisame had been walking down the hallway when he bumped into a neutral looking Zetsu. "Uh…hey."_**

**_"Hey…" Zetsu noticed what Kisame was holding. "What's that?"_**

**_"Oh this? Just Kakuzu's clothes…would you mind taking these to Kakuzu and Hidan's room? I'm already late for meeting up with Itachi to go on our mission."_**

**_"Really?"_**

**_"Please? I'll pay you back."_**

**_"Fine." the plant sighed and grabbed the clothes as Kisame ran off._**

**_END FLASH BACK_**

"Remember when Hidan had stolen Kakuzu's clothes while he was taking a bath that one time?"

"Oh yeah!" he shivered. "Don't remind me!"

"Well I was about to give Kakuzu back his clothes when I bumped into Zetsu and then I asked him to take them to Kakuzu's room. I didn't know he **_liked _**the man!"

**_You know diary…sometimes I dream about having cute little babies with Kakuzu-kun and making him tea and cookies…you know…wife stuff. I would make him happy. I know I could! I should probably start with eating Hidan. I have to go now. Pain in the ass (aka Leader-sama) is calling. What a fucking jerk. Why do we have a leader that smells like shit? As a matter of fact, why does Sasori smell like shitty cheese? Why does Tobi eat Hidan's "brownies" (they're shit with sugar) when he says they're nasty? Why does Itachi always have corn in his poo and doesn't flush? Why does Kisame have so many so many yaoi fanboys in the akatsuki? Why does Konan walk around naked? ALL OF US ARE PROBABLY GAY (except Leader-sama)! Why does Deidara pick his nose when he thinks no one is looking? These are the questions that may never be answered…except the one about Kisame…he is a sexy beast so just about everyone is the akatsuki wants his dicks. Especially Itachi Uchiha…he's up to something to get that dick into his ass. He has two blue dildos in the second drawer on his side of the room. That's all for now…_**

Both men were laughing out loud by the end of the diary entry. It was so funny that they passed out for their laughing fit.


	2. more Kakuzu x Zetsu, plus puppet porn?

"Read more, un!" Deidara encouraged Kisame.

"Ok! Ok!"

**_Dear Diary: Got some good news and bad news…better start with the bad news…Kakuzu-kun touched Hidan! All because the stupid idiot got his stupid smelly head chopped off, so my precious angel had to sew it back on. The good news is that I managed to scar the bastard for life! HAHAHA! I convinced Hidan that Leader-sama had a mission for him, and he ended up being in a coma after running into a wall. How you ask? Well every Sunday, Konan shaves Leader's hairy back (Does it turn her on or something?) and Hidan just so happened to run in. Maybe he shouldn't mess with my man next time._**

"Leader-sama has a hairy back?" Kisame never even thought about what his leader's back even looked like.

"I didn't know either!" Deidara shrugged. "Keep going."

**_Dear Diary: I think I just died and went to heaven! I saw my lusty, yet sexy beast of a man, Kakuzu, walk into the shower when I was about to ask him about his last bounty mission, not because Leader-sama asked me, but because I wanted to. Any who, being the naughty slut for Kakuzu I am, I sunk in underground and spied on Zuzu-sama. The way the water was washing over his big, fat juicy cock got my dick all wet. All I could imagine was his cock in my mouth and him moaning about me while I sucked on it with love and passion. Then after that we would make hot sexy love in that shower for hours and hours. I'm getting wet again just thinking about it. I wonder if he does a good rim job…maybe we could put his threads and my plant-like ability to good use…if you know what I mean…_**

"EW GROSS!" Deidara nearly barfed at the bare thought and image of what Zetsu described and implied at. The thought of Zetsu saying he got wet from it made him squirm with disgust.

"I think we should stop reading now, Dei…" Kisame said closing the diary. "I don't want you to throw up on me…"

"No…I'm fine…just keep going." Deidara said after a moment.

**_Dear Diary: I just saw the funniest thing….puppet on puppet…apathetic, right? Sasori of the Sand village was fucking with his favorite puppet. HA! No wonder it's his favorite!_**

"Sasori-danna…fucks his puppet?" Deidara didn't believe it until Kisame showed him some very intimate pictures of Sasori having sex with his puppets…ALL OF THEM WERE HAVING A HUGE ORGY IN THREE OF THE PICTURES…one of which was taken in THEIR room. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Deidara ran out of the room and knocked on the door roughly. "DANNA! DANNA!"

"WHAT?! I'M BUSY!"

"STOP FUCKING ON MY BED YOU…YOU…YOU SEX PUPPET RAPIST! YOU DON'T MAKE ART! YOU FUCK IT!"

Sasori slowly opened the door with a very bored look on his face. "What did you just say, Deidara..."

"I know you fuck your puppet in private, yeah…"

"…" Sasori shut the door. A few second later, things could be heard moving around, as if someone was looking for something in a drawer. The puppet master came out. "Deidara…do you have any proof?"

"Yeah!" Deidara pulled out one of the orgy pictures. "This right here!"

"I don't see anything…"

"Are you blind, un?!" Deidara waved it around and then slapped it in his partner's hand.

"No…you must be though…" with that being said, the picture suddenly burst into flames. "Now if you'll excuse me…I have REAL art to make…"

The red head shut the door. Deidara furiously beat on it, until Kisame dragged him away, saying, "It's not worth it…"

"YES IT IS! I'LL EXPOSE YOU SASORI! I WIIIIILLLL!"

"I'll read you the rest of the diary if you shut up…"

"Hm…"

"Fine…you can stay in my room until Itachi comes back…"

"Hm…deal…but I'm still gonna expose him…"


	3. KisaDei? Somewhat but very sexy

WARNING: CONTAINS DEIDARA TRYING TO ACT SEXY FOR KISAME. (KisaDei)

That very night, Deidara blushed as he stepped into Kisame's room. A bunch of scented candles were brightening the room and there were rose petals everywhere, while the shower in the room was going. Was Kisame trying to be romantic for him? How sweet! Even though he would never admit it, but he had a very passionate crush on the shark. One could almost say that he had an obsession with him…almost as big as Zetsu's obsession with Kakuzu.

Deidara squealed like a little fangirl on the inside at this very thought. Maybe that's why Kisame liked hanging around him so much and putting up with his thoughts and feelings about art! Heck, he had even gone as far as to tell Sasori-danna that HE was right! Deidara lay down on the bed in just his boxers and tried to look seductive as possible by lying down with his hand stroking his obvious erection tenting his pants, which had a wet spot already growing, and his eyes half closed in a sexy state. Oh yes…Kisame would love the sight of him!

Deidara heart started beating faster as his "romantic lover" turned off the shower and was moving around. After waiting around for a bit, the blonde bomber decided that it would be sexier if he tied something around his eyes…or better yet…start fingering himself! Just after Deidara did these things (aka 5 minutes later), he heard a gasp…perfect.

Meanwhile, Kisame was walking down the hallway on the way to his room when he heard…

"AAAAAAAH! NO WAIT! STOP! THIS ISN'T WHAT IT…NOOOO! AHHH! HELP MEEE! SOME…ACK!" it was silent again. Kisame was a little scared to step into his room now. The voice was obviously Deidara…but who could be in the room? Maybe it was Hidan…it had to be…he liked tormenting people…

When he stepped into the room, he was surprised to see Itachi sitting on top of an unconscious Deidara who had scratches and burn marks all over him. His eyes met Itachi and the latter frowned for a quick second and then returned back to his original gaze.

"What is **_he _**doing in our room, Kisame-san?"

"I…uh…invited him to stay the night with me…"

"Since I was gone, right?"

"Yes…"

"Let me tell you something, Kisame…" Itachi got up and walked over to his partner. "Deidara is nothing…he deserves nothing…if he is caught in here…I will kill him…understand?"

"Y-yes…"

"Good." Itachi walked out. "Don't touch him. I'll be back."

"…" Kisame looked at Deidara. Why was he naked? He was letting his hand hover over the poor man's body, when he jumped up and hugged him.

"OH KISSY-SEMPAI! I MISSED YOU! THAT BASTARD ALMOST KILLED ME, YEAH! I-I-I…" he burst into anime-style tears. "K-k-k-kiiiisaaameee…"

"Sh…sh…it's alright…" Kisame shushed him. "Do you want to lie down?"

"Yes…but not in here…" Deidara looked at the door. "Let's go to Zetsu's garden, un."

"Why?"

"JUST TAKE ME THERE!" the blonde growled, impatient.

"Fine! Fine!" Kisame carried Deidara to Zetsu's private garden. Deidara clung to him and smiled…so damn warm. "Now what?"

"You could read to me…" Deidara smiled as he waved around the book.

**_Dear Diary: Guess what I saw Tobi doing? Oh dear kami in heaven, Deidara is going to be PISSED! Yesterday, I was watching TV with Konan when Tobi ran into the room with Deidara's clay. Deidara was on the fucker's ass in about three seconds and then they got into a clay throwing fight. Today, Tobi stole some more, but this time Deidara was off with Kisame…better not tell Itachi! Anyway, Tobi was playing around with it when Leader-sama started bitching about some bread. Konan got up and went into the kitchen and Tobi followed because he wanted to help too. I followed also because I knew what was about to go down…Tobi was supposed to hand Konan the dough, but handed her the explosive clay instead. I started to stop him, but fuck it! It would be much funnier if what happened later happened!_**

**_Konan slapped the fucker into the oven and left with Tobi. I then left the hideout to avoid the damage that would happen. A few second later, there was a huge ass explosion and everyone (including Kisame and Deidara who had just gotten back) got blacker than the sky with dough in their hair. It was totally worth it!_**

"So that's what happened!" said Kisame shocked.

"That stupid bastard Tobi!" Deidara gritted his teeth in anger. "I couldn't get the smell of smoke and dough for weeks! When I find him, I'll…"

"Deidara…"

"Hm?"

"Why are you naked?"

"Oh this?" Deidara blushed. "N-no reason…"

"…"

**_Dear Diary: More juicy gossip heading your way! Hidan is such a stupid boy…it was funny too. Did you know that Hidan humps his pillow and calls it, "Kisa-san"? It was fucking hilarious! I was trying to find Sasori, aka the puppet fucker, when I heard moaning coming from Kakuzu-sempai and Hidan's door. I peeked into the keyhole and saw Hidan humping a blue pillow and calling it Kisa-san…I was just thinking that it was a coincidence that it has sounded like the first part of Kisame's name when I heard, "Kisame…!"_**

**_It shocked the shit out of me. Hidan loves someone? Pigs must be flying…Well I guess I shouldn't be surprised…Kisame is the ultimate sexy beast…right next to my Zuzu-san…When he left out, I snuck in and looked it over. It was covered with sperm (ew), sweat (EW), and blood (Who's?). The funny part was that it had a tiny hole in it. Why is that funny you ask? Because that means that Hidan has a tiny baby dick! I also found some vibrators (They were pink. How super gay can you get?), dildos (Hm…), and BDSM stuff. I wasn't sure if I should ask where he gets his stuff or stay the fuck away from him. I even found a crudely drawn mask of Kisame in the drawer. Maybe before he fucks someone, he puts the mask on them and pretends like its Kisame…Hm…_**

"Wow…" Kisame was shocked. Zetsu found him sexy?

"…" Deidara frowned. Great…MORE competition…

"Is that a banana in your pocket?"

"YES!"


	4. A KisaDei lemon

WARNING: Kisame gets raped by Deidara.

A few days afterwards, Kisame and Deidara were going out for dango. The blonde bomber wished that Kisame would notice him and fuck him raw, but that was never going to happen…especially not with Sasori needing his help with every little thing and Tobi trying to get him to eat his "special brownies", not to mention that Zetsu was in a bad mood.

"Kisame-sempai…"

"Hm?" Kisame said with a mouth full of the sweet dumpling. Deidara frowned. "What?"

"Nothing…" Deidara sighed and ate his. He was jealous that the food was touching something he would never have…his lips.

"You seem quiet today, Dei…are you okay?" Kisame grabbed his friend's shoulder.

"I…Yeah…I'm fine, un." Deidara tried to hide his blush. Kisame noticed this and smiled.

'Deedee looks cute when he blushes…' Kisame started walking down the path once more, going the opposite way of the hideout.

"Where are you going, Kisame-san?" Deidara looked confused.

"Walking…it's a nice day out and we don't have any missions. Besides…I have something to show you!"

"Your dick?" Deidara blurted out.

"What?" Kisame said missing what the younger man said.

"Nothing!"

"OK then…"

Thirty minutes later, the shark and bomber arrived at a cave and slipped inside. Deidara's heart started beating faster as they went deeper into the cave. When they finally stopped, he silently prayed that Kisame would confess and make sweet love to him on the floor. Instead of this, Kisame just pulled out some paper and gave it to him. He grabbed it and looked at it.

**_NOTICE: WHO EVER CAN RECOVER ZETSU'S SPECIAL NOTEBOOK WILL BE REWARDED._**

"You don't think…?" the blonde's eyes widened.

"Yeah…"

"What should we do?"

"I don't really know…" Kisame sat down, along with Deidara. "I want to give it back, but at the very same time I wanna see what else is inside!"

"Maybe we should read a little more…you know to get it out of our system!"

"Yeah! What he doesn't know wouldn't kill him, right?"

"Right!"

**_Dear Diary: Oh dear god…I'm pregnant…THAT RAPIST LEADER-SAMA RAPED ME AND NOW I'M PREGNANT! NOW MY KUKU-KUN WILL NEVER LOVE ME! Oh...wait…that was just a dream…false alarm. Never mind. _**

**_Now on to my spy description of today…I walked in on Sasori attaching some kind of sexual machines inside of his big ass puppet thingy (I can never remember the stupid name…)…they were probably used to sexually pleasure him when he was inside of it. It was so genius, I even complimented him. He looked kind of shocked that I knew what he was doing, but soon got over it and started letting me help while he explained what each thing did. Here's another thing I bet nobody but me knows about his favorite puppet he's always inside of…the thing used to be his lover. I was pretty shocked, but pleased. At least now I know that he doesn't want Kakuzu-sama._**

"I didn't know that, un!"

"Well now we know!"

**_Dear Diary: I saw Tobi scratch his butt with Deidara's toast and then Blondie ate it. HA._**

"WHAT?!" Deidara began wiping his tongue with his sleeve.

**_Dear Diary: I found out a way that I can get Kakuzu-sempai to be my lover and husband. First of all, I played around with my science kit and found out that given my plant like abilities, I can produce asexually or sexually with any mate, male or female! I went to Zuzu and asked him some questions…the conversation went a bit like this…_**

**_Me: Kakuzu… (he's doing something to do with the boring bills)_**

**_Zuzu: Hm?_**

**_Me: Let's just say if I were pregnant…with your baby…what would you do?_**

**_Zuzu: …_**

**_Me: What?_**

**_Zuzu: Did Hidan put you up to this?_**

**_Me: No…just asking._**

**_Zuzu: …I'd take care of it…_**

**_Me: Kill it?_**

**_Zuzu: What?_**

**_Me: Nothing. *leaves*_**

"What would you do if I were pregnant with your baby?" Deidara repeated. "Wow…if that wasn't a big hint, I don't know what is!"

Kisame wasn't paying any attention. He was looking down at his own belly. "I wonder if **_I _**could have one…"

"Are…you pregnant, Kisa-san?"

"What? No!" Kisame rolled his eyes. "I'm not even close…"

Something seemed to be bothering him…Did Kisame want a baby? Or did he just want something else.

"Kisame-sempai…" Deidara looked straight into Kisame's eyes with both love and lust.

"Hm?"

"I…I…I…I just w-wanted to s-s-say that I-I-I-I…lo…" Deidara was interrupted by a bat flying into his face. "AH!"

"Deidara!" Kisame whipped out his Samehada and killed the flying rat. "Dei, are you ok?"

"Kisame…I…I…" he burst into tears.

'What a baby!' thought Konan from behind some rocks. Truth be told, she had been watching and listening in on them in hope for some sexy yaoi action between the two since Itachi was too boring to hold on to his own partner he was majorly crushing on. Konan knew almost everything that was happening inside of the base…even more than Pain! She knew that almost all of the members wanted some shark dick and the rest were either Pain or Kakuzu or Zetsu. Maybe, if she was lucky enough, she could catch a full blown orgy! That would be every yaoi fangirl's wet dream!

So far, Konan hadn't been able to catch anyone scoring with the shark and the only one who seemed to be the closest was Deidara. Konan had been hoping to watch some hot KisaIta, but Itachi seemed to always have a damn stick up his ass so she had to depend on Deidara. Bringing out a needle full of special non-toxic poison that made you confess your true feelings, she threw it at the bomber.

"Please stop crying, Deidara!" Kisame tried to comfort Deidara as best he could.

"I love you…" Deidara finally sobbed.

"What?"

"FUCK ME!" Deidara said out of the blue.

"HUH?!"

"I LOVE YOU KISAME HOSHIGAKI! FUCK ME AND MAKE ME THE MOTHER OF YOUR BABIES!" He jumped on top of the still surprised shark man and began kissing all over him.

Kisame saw the needle. "Deidara, you've been poisoned! We have to get you to the base!"

"And then we fuck?"

'Just tell him something!' Kisame nodded. "Yeah…"

"Say something dirty to me!" Deidara said straddling Kisame's hips.

"I…no Dei! We have to get you back to…"

"Please?" he smiled sweetly and began moving his hips, awakening Kisame's cock.

"Ugh!" Kisame tried to move him, but somehow he ended up with Deidara pining him down to the floor of the cave.

"Stay still Kissy-kun…" the blonde said with a huge smile plastered on his face. "I'm going to make you feel good…"

Using a kunai, he quickly tore off Kisame's shirt and started licking and nibbling at the smooth, soft skin. Kisame couldn't help but to groan and moan as Deidara's tongues licked him all over. The bomber pulled the man beneath him in for a kiss which was long and passionate, a bit wet with Deidara's tears from before, but enjoyable neither the less.

Deidara began to grind into Kisame; Kisame's thin pants were allowing the blond to feel his bulge. Deidara broke away from the kiss in order to breathe. He looked down at Kisame with half closed and licked all around his lips, smiling seductively.

Deidara slid off and started taking off Kisame's pants, revealing his tight black boxers. The site made Deidara want to just tear it off and take Kisame all at once. He stood up for a second started taking off his clothes. The site of a fully naked Deidara turned him on and made him want to take the boy on the spot…yet there was something wrong about the situation, but he couldn't put his finger on it…

Deidara gripped Kisame's waistband and slid them down his thighs, the older man's cock springing up when it was freed of the constricting clothing. He looked at the size in awe and kissed it. Kisame gasped and thrusted into Deidara's hot mouth. The blonde took it out and smiled before taking it back in.

Deidara took a gentle but firm hold of Kisame's hardened flesh before licking up the underside slowly then swirling his tongue around the head. The tip of his tongue was met with precum as he slid it over the slit, and he lapped up every drop that he could of the liquid. He then took the head into his mouth, sucking just hard enough to pull a moan from his shark before relaxing the muscles of his throat and slowly sliding the entire thick cock into his mouth. Kisame moaned deeply and grabbed Deidara's hair and started thrusting. With a gasp, Kisame came into the younger man's mouth, who in turn swallowed every drop.

With a small smile, Deidara put three fingers into his mouth, coated them equally, and placed them outside of Kisame's entrance. Deidara slipped his hands between Kisame's legs, pushing one finger into the tight opening. Kisame gripped his shoulder tighter at the intrusion and bit a lip, clearly displaying his discomfort.

Deidara leaned down and whispered in his ear, "You've got to relax, or it will hurt."

Kisame nodded and tried his best to stay relaxed. The younger male moved his finger inside him a bit, helping him to relax further. When he felt that was enough, he slid in a second finger, and saw Kisame wince. He moved his other hand over to the other man's dick again and stroked it, trying to keep his mind off the pain.

Kisame felt his lover move his fingers around again, and then he hit a spot that send a wave of pleasure sparking though him. He moaned loudly, arching his back and moving his hips to hit that spot again.

Deidara smiled, happy that he had made his sempai happy, and inserted a third finger, still stretching the tight opening and wanting to hit that spot again, if only to hear the shark moan again. He pushed in deeper and stretched a bit more until he felt that he was stretched enough. He withdrew his fingers and spread Kisame's legs.

The bomber spat into his hand and lubed his average sized cock. Deidara placed on hand on Kisame's right hip and guided his cock into tight entrance and gritted his teeth at the tight heat. Kisame gasped and tightened his legs around the smaller male. After he adjusted, he nodded for Deidara to move. The grip on his arm tightened and then loosened slightly when the bomber pulled out again, only to push back in a little faster, trying hard to be gentle even though it was so tight and hot in there. He repeated the process, speeding up slowly and eliciting a soft moan after a particularly deeper thrust. He moaned louder when he hit that spot inside the shark man, and when he did, Kisame gasped out, "Ah! Deidara! R-right there! G-go faster!"

Deidara just nodded and started thrusting faster, all the while stroking the other man's cock, which was begging for attention. A few seconds later, Kisame came with a loud gasp, spilling his seed all over both their stomachs. Deidara came soon afterwards and lay down on top of Kisame.

Both lay there, trying to catch their breath. Both were sweaty and a little sticky, and as Deidara regained his breath, he leaned over and pressed a kiss on the Kisame's mouth, which he returned with a small content noise. They broke away a moment later, and the bomber pulled out of the larger body. It wasn't until he pulled out when the poison broke off and he had realized what he had done.

"K-kisame…I…I'm…" Kisame shushed by holding him.

"It's okay, Dei…I'm fine…" Kisame smiled and kissed Deidara's forehead. "Let's just stay here for now…my ass is sore…"

"Sorry…" Deidara blushed as Kisame covered them up with their cloaks. 'If only Kisame knew how I really felt about him…'

**_More diary entries coming your way!_**


	5. Tobi's secret (and a still virgin Zetsu)

WARNING: Contains inappropriate language, but then again this is an M rated fanfic. Also involves Tobi x Konan and a still virgin Zetsu…and mention of Zetsu's "babies".

The very next day, Deidara and Kisame had arrived at the hideout. When they arrived Zetsu was in the kitchen with Tobi.

"I **_know _**you had it, Tobi!" the plant growled. "If you don't give it back within the next five seconds, I'll expose your dirty little secrets!"

"NO! B-but Zetsu-san! Tobi doesn't have it!" the masked man whimpered. "Please don't tell on Tobi! Konan won't let Tobi hug her anymore!"

"Too damn bad!" Zetsu growled and turned. "Kisame! Deidara! Have you seen my diary?"

"N-no!" Deidara stammered. "Why the fuck should you ask?"

"No, but if we do, we'll make sure that we give it to you first." said Kisame.

"Good…thanks…" Zetsu glared once more at Tobi and then left. Tobi started crying.

"Deidara-sempai, please help me find Zetsu's diary! Zetsu will tell Konan's Tobi's secret if he doesn't!"

"What did you do?" Kisame asked suspicious of the "good boy".

"NOTHING!" Tobi's eye could be seen twitching. "W-why does Kisame-sama ask?"

"Uh…no reason…" Kisame noticed Tobi looking around. "Is it really bad?"

"Y-yes…is Tobi a bad boy?"

"No." Kisame smiled at Tobi, making Deidara flinch with jealousy.

"Good!" Tobi hugged Kisame. "Thank you, Kisame-sama! You will help Tobi find Zetsu-san's diary, right?"

"Of course, Tobi!"

"Yay!" Tobi blushed and kissed Kisame on the cheek, surprising him. Deidara flinched in anger and silently planned his revenge.

"Kisame-sempai, may I see you in my room for a bit?" Deidara sweetly asked.

"Ok." Tobi silently let go , all the while looking at the shark with tenderness and love.

When they had entered the room, Sasori was nowhere to be found, but there was a note on the blonde bomber's bed.

**_To Deidara_**

**_Your art sucks._**

**_Sasori_**

**_P.S: I won't be here until two days from the time that you left with Itachi's partner (BTW Itachi wants to see you, Kisame) and I expect to see you back. BTW Zetsu is looking for his diary and I know that you have it. I didn't say that you had it because I have to have somebody's "art", as you call it, to laugh at. Give it back and maybe he won't eat you._**

"What an ass…" Deidara put it down.

"What did you need to tell me?"

"Oh yeah…look…about yesterday…"

"Like I said…it's no problem!" Kisame sighed. "You were poisoned, so it isn't your fault. We're still friends…one of which has a sore ass…"

"Hm…" Deidara wanted to say more, but decided to hold it off until later. "So…what are going to do about…you know…it?"

"I don't know. There's still so much to read!" Kisame took out the diary. "And I really wanna find out how it goes!"

"Me too…do you think it's safe to read some more?" Deidara wasn't sure if he was going to pop up again or not.

"Well he's probably off in his garden…so probably…"

**_Dear Diary: I'm so damn horny…_**

Kisame and Deidara looked at each other.

**_Kakuzu is so fucking hot. I wish our cloaks weren't so short. I'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND WITH A FUCKING BULGE ALL DAMN DAY LONG! EVEN THAT RETARD OF A LEADER ASKED HE IF I HAD A FUCKIN' ROCK IN MY POCKET! What a bunch of idiots…_**

**_Kakuzu-kun makes me so damn wet…I just wanna bury my face between his legs and just deep throat is dick…DAMN IT! Let me see what Tobi wants…_**

**_AFTER SEEING WHAT DAMN CUNT-FUCK WANTS_**

**_Tobi is such a fucking tool! He keeps talking about Konan-san like she's the greatest thing in the world. Does he like her? If he does, everyone might have to pull Leader off of him, not that anybody would. Konan always gives Tobi hugs and bits of candy…hm…I wonder if…no…no way…well, maybe…_**

"Tobi has a crush on Konan?" Kisame raised an eyebrow. "Wow…just wow…"

"No wonder Tobi was worried that Konan wouldn't give him any hugs!" Deidara thought for a moment. "Leader-sama **_is _**gonna be pretty pissed off!"

**_Dear Diary: Remember what I told you about Tobi? Well I was right! He does have a crush on Konan! Today, I had a mission assigned for Tobi and me, so I went to our room to get the little shit. When I had, I walked in on…drum roll please…A SHRINE OF KONAN FULL OF PICTURES, BRAS, PANTIES, ORIGAMI (she likes origami), AND EVEN A LOCK OF HER HAIR! I was shocked. How did he even get all of this stuff?_**

**_Tobi looked at me and begged him not to tell Konan. I just laughed…hard. Then I made him tell me everything…from how did he get the stuff to…well…everything! Here's a Q&A…_**

**_Q: How did you get this stuff?_**

**_A: Konan-sama lets in her room and Tobi sneaks bits at a time…_**

**_Q: Why do you have a lock of her hair…and how did you get it?_**

**_A: I like her smell. She has a brush in her bathroom and so Tobi took some…and sometimes Tobi cuts her hair when she's asleep…is Tobi a bad boy? (I told him no.) YAY!_**

**_Man…I have something on Tobi now! Sweet!_**

"I hope Leader-sama doesn't find out!" Kisame looked worried. "It might affect the rest of us."

"I didn't think about that…let's keep reading!"

**_(Four days from the last entry)_**

**_Dear Diary: I'm at a loss for words…I have three words (horrible and mind-fucking words)…get ready…its coming! Here it is! _**

**_TOBI FUCKED KONAN! I was just walking around the base…bored out of my mind when I remembered I hadn't fed my babies (when I say babies I mean my plants) and Tobi wanted to pick up my fertilizer so he could buy some flowers (probably for that slut Konan). So I just waltzed into our room, without knocking (because it is my room too), and found Tobi banging Konan…hard! She was all like… (I'm using actual quotes here)_**

**_"Tobi! Tobi! Don't stop! Oh Tobi!"_**

**_And Tobi was all like…_**

**_"Yes! Yes! Ugh! Konan! You're pussy is so damn tight! Yes! I'm gonna cum all in inside of you!"_**

**_"No Tobi, don't! You might get me pregnant! Pull out! Pull out!"_**

**_Then Tobi came and Konan was still begging him to pull out, but he never did. I just slowly backed out and ran…later this evening I confronted Tobi. As it turned out, Sasori had given Tobi a kind of poison that made you forget whatever had just happened. I didn't believe it until Sasori backed it up and Konan was in the infirmary with the stuff in her blood with my sexy Kakuzu-san taking care of her. WHY IS EVERYONE HAVING SEX EXCEPT FOR ME?!_**

"If Leader-sama finds out about **_that_**, we're **_all_** in trouble…" Kisame shook his head at how naughty Tobi was beneath that mask.

"Especially Tobi…what do you think he'll do to him?"

"Probably burn his dick off…"

"Or worse…"

"Like what?"

"Cutting it off and making him eat it…"

"Ew, gross! But then again it does make sense…no wonder Tobi wanted us to find Zetsu's diary so badly!" said Kisame.

"Do you think we should give it back?" Deidara was really looking forward to Tobi getting tortured!

"We should but…I think we should read it a little more!" Kisame looked down at it. "I mean…don't get me wrong, but this thing did uncover a lot of secrets…"

"I've never thought about that before…but I'm with you anyway!"

**_Dear diary: As I was helping Zuzu-san with Konan, Leader kept calling me to him. Konan did all of his outside things (well most of them) and now he has me to do it all. CAN'T HE DO THINGS HIMSELF? Anyway…Konan is getting worse and worse…that poison most have been too strong, but one good thing did come out of it! Kakuzu and I both reached out for a glass of water for Konan and our hands touched! Why do I feel like a fat fan girl Mary-sue? Oh well! Anyway the best part is that he blushed! He looked so damn cute! I really want his babies now!_**

"What's up with him and babies?" asked Kisame.

"Maybe that means that he loves him so much that he wants to make art!" when Kisame looked at him funny, Deidara quickly added, "You know…make a child...when two people make a baby, it connects them and makes a work of beauty! Kind of like art!"

Oh…I see…" Kisame nodded. "Do you wanna make art one day, Dei?"

"W-what did you say?"

"I mean do you want to have a kid someday?"

"I-I don't really know…I mean we do live in a criminal organization…we can't…"

"I know that, but I mean like…never mind. Let's just keep reading…"


	6. Still a virgin Zetsu

**_Dear Diary: I walked around with an obvious bulge around Zuzu-kun to let him know that I was horny, a virgin, and ready. He didn't seem very interested, but Hidan was. The only way he was interested was why I had a bulge in my pants. I got annoyed and told him I was pregnant and that's where my babies were. He just rolled his eyes and went off to pray to that fake god of his, Jashit (as we all call him)._**

**_Zuzu-san then asked me to come with him on a mission. When I asked why, he told me it was to help him to find a special plant for Konan. I accepted and went to get my things. We spent a whole month in the mountain country looking for a very beautiful plant. All the time I got to spend it with my Zuzu-kun. It was like heaven! _**

**_(a week from the last entry)_**

**_Dear Diary: I'm so depressed. Why? Oh no reason…except that I saw some bitch fucking MY Kakuzu-sama a week ago! I was looking for him in the nearby town of "WHO THE FUCK CARES! I'M TELLING A STORY!" in "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" and I saw him talking to some lady while he was with Hidan. Kakuzu was drunk out of his mind (I have an excellent sense of smell) and Hidan was more than likely behind it. I saw them go into a fucking whore house (My poor Kakuzu! Now he has some horrible disease! Oh wait…he's too sexy to catch anything…) and go into separate rooms (Hidan and Zuzu-kun did). The whore started sucking him off and touching him. I wanted to kill her, but knowing of my precious Zuzu's violent nature would probably kill ME first even though if he wasn't drunk he won't have hurt me… (if he wasn't drunk he wouldn't have BE there in the first place!_**

**_I cried my eyes out and didn't write in this diary or do much else. I was depressed beyond belief. Leader tried talking with me, but I just slapped the fool and threw him out of my room, but not before shouting, "YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A WHORE!"_**

**_Now I realize that HIDAN needs to be punished. He started this mess and now he will be punished! But how do I do that? Killing him isn't an option. The fucker is immortal! For now, I'll let him live his stupid life, but he WILL pay…oh yes…he will…_**

"I remember that." said Kisame. "We didn't eat that week."

"He shoved clay down my throat, yeah!" Deidara pouted.

**_Dear Diary: I'm feeling much better. Kakuzu-kun has been so nice to me! Well…indirectly…He ripped Hidan's head off and threw it through the wall and landed in the toilet I was pissing in. Oh how I enjoyed pissing in his open mouth…_**

"Gross!" Kisame winced at the thought.

Suddenly there was a soft knock on the door. "Kisame…I need to speak to you."

"Coming Konan…" Kisame said as his heart stopped beating so fast (he thought it was Itachi for a second). The shark then got up and left Deidara, who decided to take the time and think about things. "Yes Konan?"

"I need to ask you something…it's about Itachi."

"Is he hurt?"

"No…no he isn't. He left for a mission…he requested one."

"Why?"

"Don't know…anyway I wanted to ask you something…uh...are you in any relationships?"

"No…why?" Kisame asked.

"Uh…no reason…" Konan looked disappointed, which made the other ninja suspect something. Was she interested? Well if that were the case, she'd better get in line! "Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure." Kisame turned.

"Kisame?"

"Yeah?"

"Let me know if you need to talk."

"Er…ooookaaaaay…" Kisame shook his head and went back into Deidara's room. The blonde was eating a graham cracker on the floor while looking at Hiruko. "Wha…"

"I found sperm…"

"Huh?"

"I found sperm on Hiruko…"

"That's odd…" Kisame got down beside Deidara.

"How is it odd? Zetsu's diary clearly said that Sasori fucks his puppets." said Deidara.

"No…it's odd that Sasori is **_OUT_** of his **_FAVORITE_** puppet." Deidara quickly caught on to what Kisame said. "Why in the world would he get out of it? Unless…"

"He's standing right behind you…" Deidara and Kisame turned their heads to look at the puppet master. Sasori looked angry. "Would you please tell me why you two are bothering **_MY_** Hiruko-san?"

"Cuz we wanna!" said Deidara.

"You fucking whore…" Sasori grabbed the blonde by his ponytail. "DON'T TOUCH MY HIRUKO EVER AGAIN OR I SWEAR YOU WILL WISH YOU NEVER WERE BORN, YOU GAY LITTLE FAGGOT PIECE OF SHIT."

He tossed him down, retrieved Hiruko, and left the room. Deidara whimpered at having his hair pulled and looked at Kisame.

"You okay, Dei?"

"Not really…am I a faggot, Kisa-san?"

"No…" he reached out and ruffled Deidara's head. "A little tender-headed, but you're not a faggot."

"Thanks…" he blushed. "So what did Konan want?"

"Her?" Kisame laughed. "She wanted to know if I had a girlfriend or something stupid."

"Do you?"

"No." Kisame sighed. "No time for one…"

"Oh…" Kisame noticed that Deidara looked disappointed. "After all, I have you. Bros before hoes man…"

"Yeah…" Deidara smiled a bit.

**_Dear Diary: I fear that I may be fighting for a lost cause…I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ZUZU! I keep seeing people and couples with babies. WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT I DON'T?! Besides a lover…I really wish I could tell Zuzu-san how I feel, but I can't because either I'm doing something for Leader or taking care of something or eating a stupid body. When I do have time, Kakuzu is busy. I wish we were a couple, so I could sit in his lap and cuddle for hours. *sigh* Oh day…one day with will _make love…one day…**

Deidara sighed. This reminded him too much of his situation with Kisame…except for the "eating dead body" part.

**_Quick Note: This is for anyone who follows or favorites me…WHY AREN'T YOU ALL REVIEWING?! Just kidding =D_**

**_Anyway, whoever follows and/or favorites, I just wanted to say if you request something please PM me instead of reviewing. The pairings I do are listed on my profile, but if you want me to do a special pairing that isn't listed, please say so…unless you are a DBZ fan that wants me to do Trunks x Pan or Goku x Chichi or even worse...Goku x Bulma *shivers*...THAT IS A BIG FAT NO._**


	7. Mpreg?

**_WARNING: CONTAINS ZETSU PLEASURING HIMSELF AND A VERY DISTURBING ACT AGAINST KONAN  
_**

**_FIVE DAYS LATERS…_**

After a few days of reading Zetsu's diary, our gorgeous shark and girly blonde found out more about the Akatsuki then they had ever dreamed…NOR WANTED TO KNOW…

**_1. Pain has a porno stash full of pictures with Konan (very much like Tobi's, but his were more detailed!)_**

**_2. Hidan had anal beds that smelt like shit (well duh for that) and had a pink vibrator (Kisame and Deidara wondered into the room and made sure of that fact)_**

**_3. Hidan wears a thong when he is pleasuring himself (Deidara accidently stumbled upon this when he found the vibrator)_**

**_4. Itachi is a junkie (he likes junk food) (Kisame already knew this because whenever he bought dango or something fatty or sweet, it would always go missing, but he didn't have the balls to confront the Uchiha)_**

**_5. Zetsu want some cock in his life (we already know that, but he did directly state it)_**

**_6. just about everyone had the hots for Kisame (him being a sexy beast and all)_**

"Kisame! Kisame!" Deidara ran into Kisame's back and fell down…hard. "Ouch! Sorry Kisame-sempai!"

"That's okay, Dei…" Kisame helped his friend up. "So…what did you want?"

"What?" Deidara was looking at Kisame's naked chest (he had been taking a shower and was in nothing but a towel). "Oh…uh…Leader-sama has called a meeting…so uh…get dressed…"

After Kisame got dressed, he and Deidara walked over to the meeting room. All of the members where there…including a very angry looking Pain…uh-oh…

"I think you all **_know _**why you all are here…" Pain looked at everyone.

"Not really." said Zetsu.

"Well I'll tell you why…KONAN COME HERE." everyone gasped as Konan walked into the room, naked, with the words "whore", "slut", "cock-sucker", and "bitch" written on her, an arrow was pointing to her vagina with the words "free fuck" above it, her hair was cut short, and there were rope marks across her belly, arms, legs, breasts, and other parts.

"HA!" this action caused Pain to slap Hidan's head off and across the room.

"WHO DID THIS?"

Everyone was pretty quiet for a moment…until Pain slammed his fist into the table. "DAMN IT! I WANT TO KNOW NOW!"

"It was me…AND I'D DO IT AGAIN." said Itachi. Everyone got quiet.

Pain's eye twitched and had turned his back. "Meeting over…"

"But…!" Konan opened her mouth.

"MEETING…OVER…" Pain walked away fast.

"Chicken…" Itachi said bored and walked off.

After this happened, Kisame and Deidara took a nice walk down a path to once again go get dango, though Deidara feared what happened last time would happen again. The shark had kept telling him that it wasn't his fault and to stop whining about it…but not before tossing his lunch. The bomber looked at his friend with concern.

"Are you okay, Kisa-san?"

"Yeah…I'm fine. Must be something I ate…"

"…" Deidara continued walking with his best friend.

Meanwhile…

Zetsu was still in a bad mood after losing his diary. Why couldn't find it when he really needed it? He gasped in horror to himself. What if Kakuzu found it? No, that was impossible…he was out on a bounty trip…what if Hidan found it? Hidan would surely have blabbed by now if he had. The only other person who would the motive was none other than Tobi.

**_"Swear that if that idiot has it, I'll make him eat his own shit!" _**his darker side growled. "Tobi wouldn't dare…after all Tobi is a good boy…"

Zetsu still had his doubts about Tobi, but he knew that he had no other choice but to accept that his diary was gone…perhaps even for good! The possibilities of who had it, where it could be, and why it was where it was endless!

The plant man was so worried about his diary that he had not noticed that someone was in front of him. Before he could say something, he noticed that it was none other than his crush Kakuzu. What a bad day Zetsu was having…

"Oh…h-hi Kakuzu…how are you today?" Zetsu blushed.

"Fine…how about you?"

"Good…" Zetsu just stood there for a bit. "Well I'll see you later!"

Zetsu took off down the hallway. He repeatedly beat himself in the head with his fist as he went into his room. Why couldn't he even confess his feelings to his crush? Was it the fear of rejection? Yes and no actually…yes because he couldn't live with the fact that his Zuzu didn't want him and no because he would still do anything for Kakuzu no matter what.

"Why does our Zuzu-sempai have to be so handsome and sexy?" the light side whined as he sat down on the bed. **_"You just want his dick in our tight ass don't you?"_**

"Maybe…" the lighter side reached into their dresser drawer and pulled out a black dildo. "We may as have some fun, eh?"

"**_You naughty bastard!_**" giggled dark Zetsu. The plant man then took off his clothes and inserted a finger into his tight, virgin ass. It disappeared into his hot body, making the ninja moan. The finger started pumping in and out of the hole, stretching it until he added the second finger, scissoring himself. He moaned in ecstasy and was panting now as sweat started to form on his brow. He stretched himself until he couldn't stretch anymore then added the third finger. His body tried to reject it, but he just tried to calm down and thrust into his tightness.

Zetsu picked up the plastic dildo and licked the head, swirling his tongue around it. He then began to deep throated the dildo like it was real, lubing it up so it wouldn't hurt going in. The plant man took it out and lay back so his entrance is shown completely and rubbed the head of the dildo at his entrance, moaning while pushing it in a bit at a time. Little did he know that he was being watched…


	8. Curious Pain

Here's the new chapter! Thank you all for reviewing and/or favoriting! It means so much that you all do! I really mean that! The next chapter will be extremely long (not this one, but the one after). Just remember, if you have any requests for stories, let me know ASAP! Also remember that if you're a DBZ fan that likes Trunks x Pan, that is a NO! Why can't some of you remember that?

DISCLAIMER: I will never own Naruto...I liked it before it was even cool though.

"Kisame-sempai…you look kinda pale…" the blonde bomber said nervously as the two were coming back to the base. "Maybe you should sit down, un…"

"No…no…I'm fine…" Kisame put on a smile. "You worry too much, Dei. I'm fine! Really! Don't give me that look."

"Sorry, yeah..." he sighed. "I just feel like I'm responsible for making you sick, that's all…"

"How?" asked the shark, curious to whatever reason Deidara had for saying this.

Deidara quickly caught on to what he said and quickly said, "It's not like I have some kind of sexual transmitted disease that I passed on to you or anything! I mean, I could have cold or something and you could have the flu...is what I was trying to say, un."

Kisame laughed. "Whatever you say bro…"

The duo continued down the path in silence until they saw Tobi running from Zetsu…

"What the…?" Deidara and Kisame stared as Tobi hopped behind Kisame and Zetsu was holding a very larger hammer.

"COME FROM BEHIND THERE YOU PERVERT!" Zetsu growled.

"No!" Tobi clung to Kisame. "It's Tobi's room too!"

"**_I told you that I wanted some private time, you little sick fuck!"_ **Zetsu glared at the masked ninja. "And when it is my private time, you **_don't _**disturb me! NO MATTER WHAT!"

"But Zetsu!" the swirly masked man whined.

"**_No buts about it you joke!_**" Zetsu raised his mighty hammer of justice and was about to bash his partner's head in when Kisame quickly stopped him.

"Don't hit him Zetsu! He didn't mean to!"

The plant man looked at Kisame and then at Tobi. He sighed and put down his hammer. "He's still a sick fuck…"

The plant man descended into the ground, making his way back to the hideout.

"Thank you for saving Tobi, Kisame-sama!" Tobi hugged his hero. "Zetsu would have surely killed Tobi with that big hammer thingy! Did you ever find Zetsu-san's diary yet? That is probably why is so angry lately, because he wants his diary."

"Not yet, but we're still looking…" the shark informed him.

"Ok!" Tobi jumped back. "Oh, by the way, Leader-sama wants to see you sempai!"

"Why?" asked a confused Deidara.

"I don't really know." Tobi shrugged. "All Tobi knows is that he wants you as soon as possible!"

"Hm…" Deidara sighed and walked on while Kisame and Tobi followed. Once they got to the hideout, Deidara made the journey to Pain's room which was deep under the rooms of the organization's regular rooms. The bomber was a little nervous to be going underground without Sasori or someone else. Usually if he was going on a mission, he would report to Konan in her upstairs office or the boss himself would give it to him personally. He never went into Leader-sama alone if he had to go to his office. What **_did _**he want him for?

"Good afternoon, Deidara…" Pain said with his back turned to the Akatsuki member.

"Good afternoon, Leader-sama…" Deidara stood there nervously. After a few minutes of silence, Deidara asked, "Do you have a mission for me?"

"As a matter of fact, I do…that is what I wanted to talk to you about." Pain turned around in his chair. "As you know or have guessed Konan is very…as you may say…important to me…"

"Yes I know…" Deidara didn't like where this was going.

"Good. Now I need you to keep really quiet about this…" Pain looked Deidara right in the eyes. "I want you to spy on Konan and the other male members of the Akatsuki…except Hidan, Zetsu, and Tobi. I think they may be…you know…impregnating her on the sly."

"She's pregnant?" the blonde's eyes widened.

"No…at least not that I know of…" Pain sighed and sat back in his chair. "Konan and I have known each other for a while now and if someone had gotten her pregnant…I don't know…just look after her and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. I want daily reports because I'll know you're lying to me if you don't. Are we clear?"

"Yes sir, un."

"Good…you may leave now." the bomber left quickly. So, Pain wanted him to spy on Konan and just about everyone else…was he afraid that Konan would find somebody better? It was a possibility, but you never did know. He suddenly remembered about the diary entry about Tobi having sex with Konan that Kisame and he had been reading. This put Deidara in a tight spot. Could he tell Pain and risk upsetting him a little too much or end up with Pain finding out anyway and him getting his neck snapped along with Tobi? Deidara decided to go ask Kisame.

"What did Leader-sama want?" asked Kisame as he painted his nails.

"Why are you painting your nails?" never in his life had he expected Kisame to be painting his nails…and red of all colors!

"I like the smell." Kisame smiled. "What's up?"

"Pain wants me to spy on everyone except Hidan, Zetsu, and Tobi."

"Why?"

"Because he thinks that someone is trying to impregnate Konan and he doesn't think that Tobi, Hidan, and Zetsu aren't."

"But Tobi is." Kisame thought for a minute. "What are you going to do? Pain is going to ring your neck if he finds out that withholding information from him about Tobi. You **_KNOW_** how he is about Konan!"

"I know…" Deidara sat on the bed with Kisame. "What am I going to do? If I tell Pain about Tobi, he's going to ask how I know! And if I don't tell him, he might find out I knew and kill me with Tobi! Why did it have to be me and not someone else? Why not Zetsu or Itachi or Kakuzu or Sasori-danna or…or…or even Hidan?"

"Because Zetsu hasn't been the friendliest of people lately, Itachi isn't really sociable enough, Sasori...well you know how is is about his puppets, Kakuzu is full of bounty trips this week, and Hidan…well you know how is is…"

"Yeah…he'll probably say ask out loud who's banging Konan or something, un." Deidara sighed. "I'm so confused…" Deidara looked up at Kisame. "What should I do?"

"I dunno…" Kisame looked at his nails.

"Seriously man, un…" Deidara grabbed his hand. "WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE NAILS!? YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE PAINTED THEM PINK, UN!"

"Sorry…" Kisame smiled. "I thought it would be better to try something new!"

"Hmm…" Deidara turned away. "I guess…"

Suddenly Hidan walked into the room. The bomber and shark looked up confused. What did this manic want?

"You two busy or something?" Hidan asked impatiently.

"Not really." said Kisame once again painting his nails.

"Well I need some help!" Hidan sat down on Itachi's bed. Kisame winced slightly. Itachi was very picky about how the room looked and he was sure he was going to pay for it once the Uchiha got back from his trip to the Wind country.

"What with?" asked Deidara, still annoyed about him coming in without warning. "If it's about getting you some sacrifice for Jashit, you can forget about it!"

"Fuck you, Blondie!" Hidan glared at him. "It's about that freak of nature Kakuzu…"

"What about him? If you want to trade partners or something like that, we can't help you there." said Kisame.

"It's not that." Hidan started twirling around his scythe. "He's been…depressed lately and it's messing up how fast we get back here…that and he won't do anything! I mean, if he dies, I couldn't give two shits, but he's starving me!"

"What?" said Deidara and Kisame at the same time. They had no idea what the Jashinist was talking about. There was plenty of food in the refrigerator.

Hidan sighed. "I mean he's not allowing me to sacrifice for Jashin when we get home! You see, I've set up my Jashin worshiping place here and I have a statue dedicated to Lord Jashin in my closet, so whenever we get home, I always worship Jashin! But I can't because that bastard won't help me sacrifice anything or take the bodies to Zetsu anymore! Now the room stinks!"

"It **_always _**stunk, you jack-ass." Deidara rolled his eyes.

"Whatever bird fuck!" Hidan snapped. "Anyways, he always sleeps for hours, stares out of the window, and stuff like that. HE WON'T EVEN LEAVE THE ROOM FOR JASHIN'S SAKE!"

"So he's depressed…hmm…that doesn't sound like him…" said Kisame.

"He's even skipping out on bounty trips!" said Hidan. "That jerk of a boss we have just asked me if I knew what was wrong with him, so I said fuck no."

"Then what did Leader-sama say?" asked Deidara.

"He said that the zombie can't do anymore bounties for a while." Hidan tossed down his scythe in anger. "NOW HOW IN THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO BUY MORE DILDOS?! I mean…uh…" Hidan turned bright red when he said dildos. "Just go find out what's wrong with fuck-nuts before we go broke!"

Hidan quickly picked up his scythe and left. Deidara burst out laughing when he slammed the door shut.

"He just admitted he has dildos!" Deidara continued to laugh.

"I wonder what's wrong with Kakuzu…" said Kisame.

"Whatever it is, we better find out what." said Deidara after getting over his laughing fit. "No money means no more stuff…"

"Do you think it has anything to do with Zetsu? Hidan did mention that Kakuzu wouldn't help him sacrifice or give the bodies to Zetsu…and now that I think about it, didn't we read something about Kakuzu blushing when him and Zetsu touched hands?"

"Maybe…that could be it or something like that." agreed Deidara. "Maybe you should talk to him."

"Me?" Kisame looked surprised. "Why me?"

"You're so **_easy_** to talk to! You don't judge anybody unless you know the facts first…plus Hidan was more than likely coming to **_you._**"

"I guess so…but it's more than likely that Hidan came here because he likes masturbating to me." he shuddered. "I still find that creepy."

"Me too…"

"Ok, I'll go talk to him."


	9. Finally! Kakuku x Zetsu!

This took me a lot of time to do this. Enjoy! BTW, sorry for not having more diary entries.

* * *

Taking a deep breath, Kisame knocked at Kakuzu and Hidan's door. When nobody asked, the shark tried the doorknob. Surprisingly (or not) the door was unlocked. Sitting in the room, staring out the window was Kakuzu looking bored…well one couldn't really tell. After all, he **_did_** have a mask on and his cloak.

"Am I interrupting something?" Kisame asked nervously since he wasn't sure if Kakuzu was angry and would randomly throw him out of the room.

"Not really…" the miser replied not looking at the other man.

"Soooo…" Kisame sat down on Hidan's bed without thinking about the fact that it was covered with dry sperm. "What's up you? Hidan said that you were depressed or something…are you?"

"Maybe…I don't really know…" Kakuzu continued to stare outside. "Kisame, if I died…"

"YOU SHOULD HAVE **_BEEN_** DEAD YOU OLD FOSSIL!" Hidan yelled from the closet all the while scaring the living shit out of Kisame.

"WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM?!" Kisame said after getting over his shock.

"Playing with himself…" Kakuzu said still not looking.

"SHUT YOUR FACE, YOU SCARRED UP MONKEY BALL SANDWICH SMEARED WITH GRAVY AND CHEESE!" Hidan shouted.

"Go back to blowing yourself Hidan or would you like Kisame to do it for you like does in your dreams?" Kakuzu turned around this time when he said this. You do not mess with Kakuzu's face and get away with it!

"YOU LUNCH FUCKER!" Hidan took out his trusty scythe. "TIME FOR YOU TO DIE MOTHER FUCKER!"

"BRING IT YOU WALKING PIECE OF SHIT!"

"Well I see that you guys are busy! BYE!" Kisame quickly left to avoid being killed.

Meanwhile Deidara was spying on Konan. The purple haired was in the kitchen with Itachi who was back early from a trip. Why? Who knows…Konan was baking up cookies (most likely for Tobi) and this gave Deidara the perfect time to ask Konan some questions.

"Good morning Konan!" said Deidara.

"It's afternoon, Deidara." said Konan.

"Whatever…so…what are you doing?"

"Baking some cookies…do you want some? They're chocolate chip this time. I just cooked Zetsu-san some. You know he's really depressed about losing his diary."

"Yeah, I know, un." Deidara ate a cookie. "Where is he anyway? I haven't seen him in a while."

"In his room probably…" she sighed. "I really hope he doesn't get too depressed. We can't have him getting emotional too."

"What do you mean by too?"

"Kakuzu's pretty down too. I don't know why, he just is. It's scaring me a little. He talks about dying all the time. If this keeps up, we may need to give the rest of you their assignments which may be difficult. I'm really worried about them."

"Yeah, Hidan said that Kakuzu was always sleeping and stuff."

"Maybe I should talk to him…"

"Kisame said he was going to."

"Today is Hidan's worshipping day." said Itachi reading over a mission.

"What?" said Deidara.

"Today is Hidan's worshipping day. I had to bring him some information for a mission from Leader-sama and Kakuzu told me that every day Wednesday Hidan sits in his closet, so they delayed the mission because of that."

"Well undoubtly shit's going to hit the fan today." said Deidara. As if on cue, Kisame slid underneath the table along with Zetsu, Tobi, and Sasori (inside of Hiruko). "That was fast!"

"What the fuck happened?" Sasori growled.

"Tobi is saved!" Tobi was hugging Kisame. "Hidan was going to cut up Tobi, but then Hidan threw Tobi at Kisame and he caught him!"

"I have no clue what happened." said Kisame getting up. "I was trying to escape when Hidan started talking crap again and then they started fighting."

"I don't even know how I got in here." said Zetsu. "I was in my room!"

"I baked cookies if anybody wants some." said Konan.

Everyone started to eat one until Zetsu said, "Since when do you put fingers in cookies?"

Everyone quickly spat out their cookies and ran off in different directions.

"I lied. There weren't any in there!" Zetsu took them all and left.

The next few days were a little more stranger than usual. Itachi and Kisame sparred a lot less due to the fact Kisame was always sick. The Uchiha now sparred with Sasori, much to the awkwardness of Sasori wanting Itachi to use caution when using fire based attacks. Kisame was always sick, so Itachi had to go on missions alone or with someone else. Sasori was trying to spend every minute plotting his revenge on Hidan because Hidan had been "messing around" in Deidara and Sasori's stuff and most of what went messing was returned broken or smelled like ass. Tobi was begging for more special amnesia poisons, Konan was forgetting too much lately, Zetsu was more cranky and threw tantrums every time someone mentioned money or Kakuzu, and Kakuzu was rarely seen and always in the shower room. The only people acting normal were Nagato (aka Pain) and Itachi.

Pain finally called everyone to the meeting room and looked them over as they sat there thinking to themselves. Kisame looked a sickly blue color and slightly tired, Tobi was playing with his fingers as if he had done something wrong and someone had figured it out, Konan was mumbling something about keys to the vault (Had she forgotten where they were again?), Kakuzu was looking depressed, Zetsu was mumbling something about eating someone's face off, Itachi looked indifferent as usual, Hidan was covered with blood while praying to Jashin, Deidara was looking at a notebook (Still figuring out how to expose Tobi…), and Sasori was inside of Hiruko looking at Hidan most likely still mad at him.

"What's wrong with you all?" said Pain jumping straight to the point.

"What do you mean?" asked Deidara not looking up.

"None of you are fooling me in any way possible. Kisame, you're sicker than when Tobi ate all that constipation medicine…STOP LAUGHING HIDAN! And personally I don't like that color of blue you're turning. Don't say you're fine Kisame. You may need to see a doctor later. Tobi, you're acting mighty suspicious lately…"

"NO TOBI'S NOT." he answered quickly.

"…" Pain stared at him. "Anyway, Konan as for you, you're forgetting things toO easily now. Remember yesterday?"

"Not if you keep bringing it up…" she mumbled.

**_FLASH BACK_**

**_Konan was walking around trying to find Pain when she saw Pain's real body Nagato. She had no clue who it was, so she got out a paper bomb and was about to throw it when Pain caught her arm._**

**_"What are you doing?" when she pointed to his body, he slapped her hand down. "You idiot! That's my body! Are you trying to kill me off or something?"_**

**_"Since when? It looks dead to me!"_**

**_He gasped and slapped her across the face this time. "HOW DARE YOU! I FIND MYSELF TO BE VERY ATTRACTIVE! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE UNTIL YOU CAN GET YOUR MEMORY IN CHECK, MISSY!"_**

**_"Why does my face hurt, Nagato?"_**

**_"You just…we were…I… you….we…" he palm faced. "Just go…"_**

**_"Where?"_**

**_"JUST. LEAVE." _**

**_END FLASH BACK_**

"Kakuzu, is there something you need to say?"

"NO."

"There's no shame if you need help…SHUT IT HIDAN." Hidan closed his mouth. "Zetsu, I know you miss your diary, but we can't have you poisoning people's food anymore..."

"That wasn't me." Zetsu said confused. "I don't do poison. That was Sasori."

"Sasori…"

"I was trying to poison Hidan." the puppet master said blankly. "I can't help it if SOME PEOPLE ARE GREEDY LITTLE PIGGIES NOW CAN I?"

"I was hungry!" said Deidara.

"Your boyfriend might not like you eating sushi, brat." Sasori smirked through his mask.

"Why you little…" Deidara threw his notebook, but missed and somehow hit Pain who was on the other side of the room. "Sorry!"

"Forget it…" he sighed and sat down. "Hidan, would you like to explain why I found this in my bathroom?"

Everyone looked in horror as their boss held up a big dirty scrapbook that had in huge letters "Porn Picutures".

"You spelled pictures wrong and the all of the 'e's and 'r's are backwards." said Sasori.

Hidan had somehow retrieved his dirty porn stash from Pain, but had not gotten far when Kakuzu tripped him.

"DAMN IT WHALE BREATH!"

"You have five seconds…unless you want someone else to tell me why…"

As soon as Hidan started hugging his book and talking to it in a corner, everyone threw in their guesses like crazy.

"He was blowing himself!" said Tobi using what he had heard Kakuzu say not too long ago.

"He was looking at shark porn!" said Sasori proudly knowing about Hidan's shark fetish.

"He was…uh…reading?" Kisame was dense sometimes.

"He was being a little too nosy." Pain went over and grabbed Hidan. After paralyzing him with some poison, he was then laid on the table. "I want everyone here to look at all that his scum bag has to offer."

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Hidan gasped as Pain stripped Hidan all the way to his gray boxers.

"This is what happens when you mess with my stuff." Pain smirked. Everyone gathered around making Hidan blush like crazy. They didn't want this to happen to them, so they all wanted to remember it very well…except Konan. Konan could go into Pain's stuff and he wouldn't care.

Pain flipped Hidan over and peeled down his boxers. It revealed a very nice butt that looked like a baby's bottom. Tobi touched it and so did everyone else. Hidan did not like having his butt poked, especially by Sasori fingers which made sure that his butt was nicely scratched and red. The leader then left for a moment and brought back sticks, bats, clay, and other items and threw the on the table.

"Help yourselves!" he added deviously.

The members each grabbed something and mercilessly beat Hidan's butt. It was fun, but taught them that this would happen if they too ventured into Pain's stuff. The torture satisficed the red head to no end, especially when Tobi found a marker in the pile and started to draw on the Jashinist.

"That's enough…" Pain said after 30 minutes. "You can all go now."

Everyone was feeling pretty good afterwards, mostly because they beat the frustration into Hidan and got it out of their system.

Hidan, in the meantime, was left in the dark, cold and naked, when everyone left the meeting hall. It was a good day.

After the meeting, Zetsu quietly stalked Kakuzu who was on the couch watching Dr. Slump (oh yeah!) with Tobi and Kisame.

'**_Should we go and sit with Zuzu-kun?_**'

'No...He's with Tobi and Kisame!'

'**_But Tobi likes Konan-san!_**'

'Who does Kisame-san like?'

'**_I think bird brain has a crush on Kisame…just about everyone likes him!'_**

'True…true…Kisame is really sweet, but we have too much competition with the rest!'

'**_And Kakuzu-kun is the ONLY one for us!'_**

**'**I'm a little scared to tell him how I feel…'

'**_Well we can't wait any longer! Kakuzu is depressed and waiting will make things worse! Let's tell him now! What if someone touches him like that hooker did? This means trouble!'_**

'You're right…we must tell him how we feel!'

Zetsu got up from his hiding place and walked over to the couch. "Kakuzu?"

"Yeah?"

"**_May we speak with you? It is very important…_**" Zetsu said nervously. "Unless you don't wanna talk! That's fine too!"

'**_Shut the fuck up!'_**

'Sorry!'

"Sure." Kakuzu got up.

"Let's go to the green house. It's private there." Zetsu said. Kakuzu nodded and followed.

"Kisame-sempai?" Tobi turned to Kisame.

"Yes Tobi?"

"Is Zetsu-san in love with Kakuzu-san?"

"Uh…why?"

"He talks about him in his sleep and makes those noises Konan makes when To-I mean Pain puts his thingy into Konan's thingy, but he says grandpa's name instead!" Tobi said innocently enough.

"Maybe…"

"Who does Kisame-san like?"

"Does that really matter Tobi?"

"Yes!"

"I like you."

"Don't be silly Kisame!" giggled Tobi. "Everyone knows that Kisame likes sempai!"

"I do not!" Kisame blushed.

"Yes you do! Tobi has seen the way Kisame-san looks at sempai!"

"Shut up…" he blushed.

Zetsu took a deep breath as he shut the door to the greenhouse. What was he going to say? He bit his lip

"What did you wanna talk about?" said Kakuzu.

"Uh…well…" he looked and saw something in the corner of the room. "That spider!"

"That spider! He's been making creepy little spider webs everywhere and its upsetting my plants!"

"Really? Are you sure?" Kakuzu looked as if the spider was the least of any problems.

"Yes! Please kill it!" Zetsu made big puppy eyes at the older man. '**_Damn it! You messed it up!'_**

'Sorry!'

Kakuzu gave him a funny look and helped with the search of the spider that had somehow escaped from them while they were talking. Zetsu sighed like a dreamy fan girl at the sight of Kakuzu in his garden. Finally after the ten minute search for the eight legged insect, he was finally able to kill it. When the older man was about to tell Zetsu how he had killed it, he noticed the younger man's Venus fly trap had blossomed beautiful pink flowers. When did that happen?

"Zetsu?"

"Y-yeah?" Zetsu blushed as Kakuzu came closer.

"What's up with the flowers?"

"F-flowers? What do you mean?"

"These." he pointed at one of the flowers.

"FLOWERS?! WHAT FLOWERS?!" Zetsu dumbly tore off one. "**_SHIT! OH MY MOTHER FUCKIN'…UGH! WHY DID I DO THAT?! UGH!"_**

Zetsu ran off and out of the greenhouse crying in both pain and embarrassment. Damn hormones! It happened every time he thought of Kakuzu in the way that he did. He tried using some different items to make them die down, but some stuff doesn't work.

Awhile later, Tobi was playing under the table with Deidara's clay while Hidan was poking at a dead bird on the table with a stick. Zetsu walked in and saw this odd scene.

"TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!" Hidan got up.

"What's with the bird?"

"What's with the flowers?"

"Zetsu-san looks pretty today! Is Zetsu going to be a mommy?" said Tobi who liked flowers a lot and tried to grab one.

"NO!" Zetsu didn't try to rip out a flower like he did earlier. That shit hurt! "Anyway, what do you want?"

"Where were you? We were supposed to be gone three fuckin' hours ago!" Hidan smirked. "You were with Leader weren't you?"

"No…why are you looking at me like that?"

"Everyone knows that you're his bitch, Zetsu…Don't deny it. When he can't get any from Konan, he fucks you!"

"No he doesn't!"

"Whatever…let's go. By the way, any luck finding that diary?"

"No, any luck being gay?"

"Fuck you man…plant…thingy…"

"Can Tobi come too?" Tobi came from under the table.

"Sure." Zetsu couldn't stand being alone with Hidan all day. Actually no one could!

Kisame breathed with relief as he lay down in his bed after coming back from a mission with Itachi. It had been a while since the two had been alone. Kisame felt better than he had in weeks…with the exception of those sudden back pains, headaches, and craps…Itachi had hinted more than once that Kisame needed to go to the doctor. Once he had stated that if the shark didn't go, he would drag him there himself. The shark just laughed it off, but Itachi looked dead serious. Kisame had promised he'd go, but that was weeks ago.

"Kisame…"

"Yeah Itachi-san?"

"Are you going to the doctor now? You promised that you would go when we got back from our mission."

"Let me get settled in first! Geez! Get off my balls, woman!" he said teasingly. When Itachi activated his sharingan, Kisame got up, leaving his Samehada and was making his way out of the hideout when he bumped into Deidara.

"Kisame-sempai! You scared me, un!"

"Sorry, Dei. Itachi's making me go to the doctor…"

"Would you like to hide in my room?" Deidara said a little too eagerly.

"No thanks…he'd find me sooner or later. So…how's everything with your mission?"

"Oh that…" Deidara sighed and pulled Kisame into his room to talk. "IT'S SO FRUSTRATING! I've been daily reports to Leader-sama, but does he have to sit through hours and hours of listening to Konan talk about lady stuff? It's either that or shopping or watching girly movies! I hate it!"

"So you haven't found out how to get Tobi caught?"

"No I have not." the bomber sighed, resting his head on the older man's shoulder. "Look at this diary entry!"

**_Dear Diary: I took various pictures of Tobi and Konan "doing it", not for perversion (I have my Zuzu-kun for that), but for revenge! If Tobi annoys me bad enough, I can just whip them out and make him go bother Deidara. Genius!_**

"Well isn't that good?" asked Kisame looking at the blonde.

"Listen to this next part…"

**_I really would glue these to my diary, but why risk them falling out or risking the thought of me not having my diary? I think I'll just keep them in my cloak._**

"How are you going to get the photos?"

"The only thing I have against Tobi right now is this diary and I don't really want what happened to Hidan to happen to me! Zetsu must have them on him or at least locked up in his room."

"Well maybe you could look in Zetsu and Tobi's room. I just saw Hidan, Tobi, and Zetsu leave a minute ago when Itachi and I got back. Maybe you should look there really quick and see if you can find it. I doubt that he would have them **_all _**of them with him."

"That is true…I do remember that Hidan was talking about getting more sacrifices for Jashit, so it'll take a while…yeah I'll go look there, un."

"Good luck!"

Once the shark had reached the doctor, he grew very uncomfortable. What if he was getting old? Or worse? The shark literally flipped a table when it was his turn for the doctor for some dumb reason. The doctor turned out to be a little old man. Kisame nearly flipped another table when he saw that a shark's brain looked like a vagina!

"Calm down Mr. Hoshigaki!" the little old man said as Kisame flipped another table for no damn reason at all.

"Sorry…" Kisame blushed. "I really don't know why I'm doing this…"

"No worries…messes are what women are for!" the doctor laughed. "Now…let's see what's wrong, shall we?"

After running a series of both necessary and unnecessary experiments, Kisame grew more and more bored. What was taking that short fucker so long? About an hour later, the short doctor stepped out.

"Mr. Hoshigaki, is there any chance that you have had a sex change lately?"

"NO." What kind of doctor was he? "Why do you say that?"

"You're pregnant."

"What?"

"Yep. You're about a few weeks along. You won't get very big until about next week and the baby should be fine until it's born, but you need to keep your diet in check."

"How long until it's born?" asked Kisame as soon as he got over his shock.

"It may be your DNA or the father's or just the mutation, but your beautiful baby should be here in three weeks."

"…" Kisame sighed. "How come it's growing so fast?"

"The mutation from something is doing it…something the father may have consumed…"

Kisame suddenly thought of the poison that made Deidara act all crazy. "There was something that made the…um…father act a bit crazy…"

"That may be it."

Kisame thanked the doctor and left. How was he going to tell Deidara that he was pregnant? How was he going to tell Pain? He touched his stomach. It was kind of hard to believe that this thing inside of him was both his and Deidara. With any hope, it would look like Deidara…

Zetsu sighed as he got back from people hunting with Hidan and Tobi. Why did he always get stuck with the nut jobs? He sighed as he went into his room only to find all of his stuff on the floor and his cloaks on the floor and a very dizzy blonde tangled in his special vine plant tub.

"**_WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?_**" Zetsu was trying very hard not to kill Deidara.

"I…I…I was looking for…T-tobi…uck!" Deidara gasped as the vine continued to squeeze his body.

"**_YEAH RIGHT_**." Zetsu glared at the bomber. "What are you doing in here?"

"I…I…" Deidara was turning blue and had dropped something. The plant picked it up and gasped.

"What are you doing with this?" asked Zetsu picking up a picture of Tobi having sex with a tied up Konan. "**_ANSWER ME_**…"

"I…I wanted proof t-that Tobi was f-fucking…Konan…" Deidara's hair was turning blue now for some reason. "AAAGH! HELP!"

"Why?" Zetsu snapped his fingers making the vines release him.

"Because Leader-sama is getting suspicious about people being with Konan!" said Deidara after catching his breath.

"Hm…" Zetsu frowned slightly. "It seems we have reached an agreement."

"What kind of agreement?"

"I let you live…**_for now…_**and let you can the pictures…**_IF…"_**

"If what?"

"If you can find out if anyone is chasing after Kakuzu…" Zetsu's flowers started coming back. "**_Damn it_**…hold on…"

Zetsu rubbed his flowers. "Anyway, if you can find out who else wants Kakuzu, you can take all the pictures you want…**_we won't even question how you know about Tobi…"_**

"O-okay…" Deidara quickly picked up his pictures and left. On his way out, he bumped into his shark crush. "Hey Kisa-sempai!"

"H-hey Dei…" Kisame smiled weakly. "W-what's up?"

"Nothing much…" he blushed as he waved around the evidence. "Look what I got!"

"That's good…hm…" Kisame looked uncomfortable for a moment. "Deidara…we need to talk about something…"

"Okay…yeah we do…" said Deidara gripping the picture firmly. He had made up his mind while trapped in Zetsu's room that the very first thing he would do once (and if) he got out was to tell Kisame how he really felt.

The two quietly entered an empty room and sat down on the bed. Deidara noticed how quiet Kisame was and how awkward he was looking. He touched his hand.

"Kisa-sempai…are you okay?" he asked shyly touching his hand while a small blush was forming.

"Yes and no…" he blushed. "I have to tell you something…you know how you were…well you know…at the cave…"

"What?" Deidara quickly caught on to what Kisame was talking about. "You mean back at the cave?"

"Yes…" Kisame blushed. "Remember how you were poisoned and stuff? Well, the poison caused some sort of mutation…"

"So you being sick **_is _**my fault…" Deidara felt worse.

"It's not really that, Dei…there's a little more to it." Kisame squeezed the younger man's hand. "Deidara I want you to promise me not to laugh or run away or some crazy shit like that…"

"I promise I won't, Kisa-sempai!" Deidara blushed at having his hand held by his crush.

"Deidara…we have a bun in the oven…"

"Huh?" he tilted head. "I'm afraid I don't understand…"

"I'm pregnant."

"W-what?" Deidara's eyes got big. "Are you kidding? H-how?"

"The poison must have caused a mutation of some kind when you were …uh doing your business inside of me…"

"Oh…" the bomber shifted on the bed. "If it makes you feel any better…I…I would have stayed with you anyway."

The blonde blushed and rubbed the shark's belly. "I…I really like you Kisa-sama…and I don't mean like as a friend…I mean as more than a friend…I…I love you…a lot…"

"I know…" Kisame leaned forward and kissed Deidara who willingly kissed back. When they pulled apart, Deidara blushed.

"Kisame-sama…I love you…"

"I love you too…"

Zetsu moved away from the room door. How come everyone was getting a lover of some kind? This made him feel incredibly bad for himself. Why couldn't he be brave like Deidara and tell the person he loved that he wanted him? Zetsu, feeling a bit inspired, went to his crush's room and knocked.

"Kakuzu-san…it's me…Zetsu...May I speak to you?" Zetsu's flowers were starting to grow back. Just as he was about to try to get them to go back into his fly trap, the older man opened the door. "Hey…"

"Did you want something?"

Zetsu noticed that Kakuzu was in just his boxers. "If you're busy I can come back later…"

"No, I'm not doing anything. Come in."

Zetsu walked inside of the bed room. "So…where's Hidan? **_Not that we care…_**"

"Gone…I think he went off with Tobi to go eat or something like that." said Kakuzu not seeming to care. "I really couldn't care less. Are those flowers still bothering you?"

"Sort of…they itch like hell!" Zetsu frowned. "Tobi even said I look like a girl or some shit like that."

"They're not so bad." Kakuzu touched one of them making Zetsu blush like crazy. "They are very beautiful…like yourself…"

"W-what?" Zetsu looked wide eyed at him. 'Did he just say…?'

Kakuzu slowly came closer to the younger man's face and gently kissed him. The plant man was a little shocked at first, but then quickly warmed up to it and wrapped his arms around Kakuzu's neck. After a moment the older man pulled away.

"Kakuzu-sama…I…I…I love you." he blushed. "I've loved you for a very long time because I was nervous that you didn't like me…do you like me?"

"No I don't…" Zetsu's eyes got bigger as the older man smiled. "I love you. I think you are the most beautiful person I've ever seen and you make me happy."

"I thought you didn't because I'm a…well…" he blushed as he touched his plant like structure on his body.

Kakuzu smiled. "It doesn't matter. That's one of the things that I love about you…"

Zetsu blushed as he felt Kakuzu's eyes roam his body. His golden eyes widened when thin tanned lips claimed his multicolored ones. His heart pounded in his chest as he began to melt into the kiss, applying a small amount of pressure to it. The stitched soon began to deepen the kiss by licking the younger male's lower lip and when those soft lips parted, he began to explore the hot tavern that was Zetsu's mouth. He tasted something salty, but sweet. He had never thought that Zetsu's mouth would taste so good, considering that the younger man was a cannibal. His own heart pounded in his chest as he sat there straddling the plant man.

The stitched man pulled away to catch his breath. Zetsu's lips were flushed from the kiss and he was a very cute red. He smiled and stroked the shorter man's cheek. "You're so cute, Zetsu-san…"

"Kakuzu-san?"

"Yeah?"

"I…I…I want you to be m-my first…" Zetsu looked down at his feet blushing.

Kakuzu smirked. "I'll be your first **_and_** your last…"

Zetsu blushed again when he said this. Kakuzu picked him up and laid him on the bed. The plant man laid there quietly blushing as Kakuzu removed his shirt and pants. The plant man stared at the older man's crotch. If it was as big as he thought it was, it was going to hurt going in.

""I can't promise I'll be gentle, but I'll try," he said, licking the younger man's ear.

"I…I trust you." Zetsu blushed. Feeling just a bit brave, he reached up and pulled the man's face down to his own, kissing him heatedly. Kakuzu moved one hand to his stomach and the other to one of his nipples. The hand on Zetsu's chest began to rub and pull gently at the nub. Pulling away from the kiss, he let his hot, pink tongue come into play, licking the right one sensually before beginning to swirl around the left.

Zetsu gasped and gripped the clean bed sheets as he arched his back, the sensation shocking his nerves into overdrive. It felt like heaven to have Kakuzu touching like this. This was much better than it his dreams. He snapped out of his little heaven when Kakuzu began tugging on his boxers. He nodded trusting the older man. After removing the boxers and throwing it behind him, he pulled some lube from under his pillow and squeezed some on his fingers.

"This will hurt a little at first, but it gets better." the older man said as he positioned his fingers at the other man's entrance.

"I trust you." Zetsu said as he spread his legs.

Kakuzu slid one finger in slowly, which made Zetsu whimper at the sensation. It was painful at first, but then it didn't hurt too much now. He bit his lip when his lover inserted another coated finger, biting it a bit harder when the fingers began to make scissoring motions. Sticking in a third finger, Kakuzu began to slid all three in and out of Zetsu at a quick pace, wondering how the heat would feel around him. He was extremely tight for a virgin.

The plant man whimpered as Kakuzu slid all three out of his entrance. His eyes widened as Kakuzu pulled off his boxers. He was huge. Zetsu bit his lips again. This **_was _**going to hurt! Kakuzu squeezed some lube on his hand and rubbed some on his erection before putting it at the other man's entrance.

"Are you ready, Zetsu-san?"

"Y-yes." he positioned his slender hips on top of Kakuzu's shoulders.

Zetsu gasped as Kakuzu entered him, torn behind the pleasure and the pain. It hurt so much… He squeezed his eyes shut as tears began to leak out of them. He clenched, making it even more painful for himself. Kakuzu kept his mind off the pain by kissing on the younger man's neck and rubbing his stomach.

"Try to calm down, love." he whispered in his ear. "It'll hurt a lot less if you do."

Zetsu nodded and stopped clenching. After getting used to the larger man's girth, he nodded for him to move. The younger man felt his face grow redder as he felt his lover move inside of him. This was something he had never felt before. Seeing that Zetsu was getting used to it, he quickened the pace, hitting a bundle of nerves in the process. Zetsu's tight heat was overwhelming for him, so in no time at all, Kakuzu began to thrust faster.

The plant moaned loudly when he felt Kakuzu hit something deep inside of him. He clutched the man's shoulders, pulling him down a bit. "Kakuzu-sempai…Ah…!" he moaned, swallowing. "R-right there! D-don't stop!"

Kakuzu quickened the pace once more, pounding against the spot make the man beneath him wither with pleasure. The stitched man groaned and felt Zetsu's erection poke him in the gut. He would have to take care of that. He wrapped his hand around the plant's erection, stroking it along with his thrusts. Soon after, Zetsu came into Kakuzu's hand with a gasp, panting heavily as sweat poured off of him. His own seed splashed over his and his lover's stomach, some it staining the sheets. The stitched man came loudly into the younger man, his hot, thick seed running deep into Zetsu's body.

He pulled out with a sigh after catching his breath. Zetsu was completely breathless as his lover and snuggled into his lover's arms as the miser pulled a blanket on top of them. Kakuzu wrapped his arms around the smaller man, kissing him lightly on the cheek.

"I love you, Zetsu."

"I love you too, Zuzu-kun."


	10. The End of the Beginning

Deidara skipped down the hallway happier than a bee in a flower shop to his lover's room. Kisame was getting pretty big now and Deidara had decided that it was his duty to make everything prepared for the baby's arrival. He loved his shark and wanted the best for him. Kisame on the other hand was bored silly in his bedroom. He decided to pull out the old diary.

**_Dear Diary: I found out something interesting today. ITACHI UCHIHA IS A PREGOPHILE. THAT'S RIGHT. Our loveable weasel is a pregophile. That means that he like to have sex with pregnant people. I was shocked when I found out. He actually told me. When he was eating breakfast he asked if there was a possibility that Kisame could get pregnant. I said I didn't know. Then he said to let him know if Kisame got pregnant…SO THAT HE MAY RAPE HIM IN THE ASS! HIS WORDS!_**

"WHAT?!"

"Hey Kisa-sempai!" Deidara came into the room with a bag.

"D-Deidara…I have to go…" Kisame got up. "I HAVE TO GO BEFORE…"

"Good afternoon Kisame…Deidara…" Itachi had just walked into the room. "Kisame, lay back down. You are not well." He went into the bathroom.

"Help me…" Kisame whimpered.

"What?" before the blonde could speak, Itachi interrupted him.

"Deidara could you leave for a minute, I need to talk to Kisame for a minute."

"No! Don't leave!" Kisame whispered.

Deidara gave Kisame a funny look before leaving the room. Kisame turned and faced his partner. The Uchiha looked indifferent and looked him over slowly. "Kisame…?"

"Y-yes Itachi-san?"

"You look different…thicker…bluer…"

"Your eyesight must be getting worse." Kisame said quickly. "M-maybe you should lay down or something."

It was quiet for a moment…then the bathroom door opened revealing Itachi frowning with his arms crossed. "Don't lie to me Kisame. I know your dirty little secret."

"What secret?"

Itachi walked over and looked him in the eyes. "You're pregnant aren't you?"

"NO!"

Itachi glared at him. "It's Deidara's isn't it?"

"Yes…" he said looking away.

"You do realize that you're **_my _**partner, not his right?"

"Yes…"

"On the bed…NOW…"

Kisame didn't need to be told twice…or what was about to happen…

Kakuzu walked into the large Akatsuki Greenhouse. Zetsu had told him he had something to tell him and needed to tell him in private. Zetsu was over in the corner tending to one of the many plants and turned when Kakuzu came behind him and hugged him lovingly.

"Zuzu-sempai! You made it!" Zetsu smiled. "**_You're going to be very happy when you hear the big news, Zuzu…"_**

"What is it?"

"We're having a little flower!" said Zetsu.

"What?"

"**_Dumb ass! He doesn't understand that!_**" the darker side rolled his eye. "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you understood Zuzu-sama! I mean to say that I'm pregnant!"

"W-what?" Kakuzu looked shocked. "How?"

"I'm part flower silly!" Zetsu giggled. "**_We just found out this morning._**"

"About the baby?"

"We're going to go see about how they're doing." Zetsu opened up his cloak and lifted up his shirt to reveal a nice big round baby bump.

"You didn't look like that last week before I left for my mission." said Kakuzu.

"Plants tend to have their babies faster." Zetsu pulled down his shirt. "I'm not the only one that's pregnant."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Kisame-san is having a baby." Zetsu pointed out. "Deidara and Kisame have been hanging out more than usual, so maybe Deidara is the father…though Hidan or Itachi finally got the balls to rape him."

"How do you know everything?"

"I'm a spy." said Zetsu. "I spy."

Some weeks passed and the hideout was pretty busy and not with the usual mess. Zetsu was constantly trying to eat Tobi, Kisame was eating on stuff not even Fatty McGee would eat, plus he was walking funny all the time, Itachi always looked at his partner with a face of a rapist, and Konan was a nagging bitch for some reason.

"Konan, will you please shut the fuck up!" Pain yelled as he stepped into the meeting room.

"But I haven't said anything!" said Konan.

"I know." Pain sat down. "So…what the fuck is going on with you people?"

"Konan walked in on Sasori's sexy party last night and yelled at him." he giggled. "It was funny!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Sasori growled. "NOBODY IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT!"

"Too late now…" said Tobi. "It was so fun! Sasori got really drunk and started giving out pickles that vi-"

Sasori interrupted the lollipop masked man by throwing a brick at Tobi's mask.

"Oookaaay…" Pain turned to Kisame. "Kisame…I've been noticing that you've been walking very funny lately…you don't have a rash do you? You're always walking like a cowboy."

"I like cowboys!" said Tobi. "Maybe Kisame likes cowboys!"

"YES! I LIKE COWBOYS!" Kisame said quickly.

"Well stop liking them!" said Pain. "You're walking funny and Itachi I don't like the way you look at Kisame."

"I have no idea what you are talking about." Itachi said. "Kisame is walking around like that because Deidara gave him a disgusting disease."

"I KNEW IT!" said Hidan.

"I DO NOT!" said Deidara loudly.

"I've also noticed that Zetsu and Kisame have been requiring larger cloaks…" said Pain suspiciously. "Do you two care to comment?"

"No." said Zetsu blushing. "**_I do not know what you're talking about_**."

"Me neither…" said Kisame.

"Don't lie to me." said Pain. "If there is something wrong, you have to tell me so that I can fix it or least know what's going on! We're not leaving until you tell me what the fuck is going on."

"Fine!" said Kisame. "I'm…uh…I really don't know how to say this…but I'm pregnant."

Everybody gasped dramatically.

"So am I…" said Zetsu.

Everyone gasped dramatically again. Konan burst out crying.

"Don't tell me you're pregnant too!" said Pain.

"What?" Konan wiped away her tears. "No. I was just so happy that I started crying!"

"Women…" mumbled Pain. "So how shall we deal with this?"

"**_What do you mean by that_**?" said Zetsu.

"How are we going to handle two bra…uh children with all of these things we have to do?" said Pain.

"I think you mean 'how are we going to handle **_four _**children'…"

"I figured that you would say that for some reason." Pain rubbed his forehead. "Kakuzu are you okay."

"W-what?" Kakuzu was looking pretty pale. "Yeah, I'm okay!"

"How long before your children get here?"

"Uh…about a week." said Kisame. "A mutation caused it to develop faster."

"Mine is due in about a week too." said Zetsu.

"Well we do have that extra room in the back that we never use." said Konan trying to be helpful. "The kids could stay there."

"I guess they could as long as they promise that the fathers work something out to baby sit their own kids as well as train them." said Pain.

"So we can keep them?" asked Zetsu.

"Yes…as long you take care of them and do your missions…otherwise I'll eat them to my shark!"

"NO." said Kisame.

"Shit!"

A week later, Kisame gave birth to a newborn baby boy with his father's looks and his mother's blue hair and sharp teeth. He kind of looked like Suigetsu, but with blue eyes and blue hair. Deidara hugged his tiny newborn baby boy in his arms.

"He's so beautiful, Kisame-sama!" Deidara cooed over his new son. "Let's have another one!"

"NO." Kisame slapped Deidara. "I refused to be butt raped again!"

"What?"

"NOTHING!"

"…" Deidara turned back to Kaito (the boy's name). "Has Zetsu had his babies yet?"

"Yeah…he had them while you were out on your mission.

Just then Zetsu came into the room with his bundles of joy. "Look what we have!"

Zetsu was carrying two of his three day old babies while his boyfriend was holding the other one. Thw two that Zetsu was holding had Venus fly traps, yet the smaller one that Kakuzu was holding didn't.

Rose, the oldest, had tiny little Roses growing on her fly trap and had inherited her father's green eyes and looked like her father. The second child, Peach, had a Venus fly trap also with nothing growing on it and looked similar to her mother, but had her father's hair color. The youngest one, Apricot, had her mother's looks and her father's hair color and eye color.

"They're so cute!" Deidara touched Peach's cheek. She opened up her mouth and bit him hard. "OW! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"**_Are you forgetting that I'm a cannibal_**?" Zetsu smirked. "She's harmless anyhow…"

"HARMLESS MY FOOT!"

* * *

And that's the end of Zetsu's diary. This story went all the way from one thing to another fast! I'm doing a sequel to this story called, "What has gone missing" that features their kids a little bit older, but I promise it WILL contain more diary entries in it! Remember, review and favorite please!


	11. New Diary Entries?

What's up everyone? Before I continue on with "What is missing" (aka the sequel to this), I want to know if anyone would like to read another diary story like this, but with Itachi, Pein, Hidan, Kisame, Kakuzu, Konan, Deidara, Sasori, or another Naruto character having diary entries. I will write on any pairing (except Naruto x Sasuke cuz I mess up everytime I try writing it very much like Zelgadis x Gourry or Xellos x Filia or Trunks x Pan or Kakashi x Sasuke x or Naruto x Hinata.) PM or review to let me know what you think. 


	12. Chapter 12: VERY LAST CHAPTER

Hey everyone! I just wanted to say (don't worry this the last addittion I will be adding to this story) that the newest diary story I will be writing is Sasori's (later the rest of the akatsuki) & yes I will be writing the sequel to Zetsu's diary "What is Missing" which is basically Konan's diary which is found by...well you'll just have to read to find out. Pairings Include: Kisame x Deidara, Kakuzu x Zetsu, Pein x Konan (main), Sasori x Hiruko, & any other pairing that pops up in my head. Just wanted to let you all know! See you later! 


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